2006 ANNUAL REPORT

2006 has been a good year for the Center, dueto the efforts of our extraordinarily talented staff and our dedicated Board of Directors. The Board decided in 2005 to expand theCenter’s professional staff. It found two good candidates and brought onboard the Rev. Janet Boyd, D.Min., and Carol Singler, PhD. The wisdom of that decision has shown itself in the positive contributions each continues to make to the Center and the community as a whole.

The therapists continue to provide excellent therapy – perhaps the only long-term depth psychotherapy available in Elkhart County for which fee assistance is available. Because of the staff’s skill and the fundraising work of the Board, the Center comes close to achieving Greg Hinkle’s vision for the Samaritan Center as a mental health resource: "the placeeveryone wants to go; the place anyone can afford to go."

The Center had some bumps in its administrative staff – key office staff moved on, and finding replacements is always a challenge – but we were exceptionally fortunate to hire Arlene Tripepi and Lacey Pletcher, who are doing a terrific job.

The Board members have kept up their sterling tradition of dedication. The Silent Samaritan event was very successful, and the Board’s fund-raising set new records. The Board hosted a dinner for Center co-founderand current Samaritan Institute President R.J. Ross, a delightful event which highlighted the Center’s legacy as the founding agency in a network of Samaritan Centers that now stretches around the United States and Japan.

The long-range planning committee began a new visioning process, and we brought in several very good new Board members. We also lost several excellent members, who have contributed much to the Board’s work during their terms. We will miss Elizabeth Bond, Carol Eldridge, who served as Board secretary, Carol Steede, who served as Board president, Whitney White, who served as treasurer, Alan Griffin, and Katie Cunningham.

The bottom line, of course, is the Center’s psychotherapy and pastoral counseling – the healing, hope, and growth it has brought to young and old, rich and poor. As the vignettes which Greg and other therapists have shared with theBoard have shown, this is not just a slogan – these are real changes in real lives. We are blessed to have such skilled, dedicated professionals.

It has been a privilege to serve as president this year. I did not accomplish all I had hoped to do, and most of what the Board accomplished was done by others, but I am glad that the Centerhas made progress this year. My thanks are given to the staff and Board, and particularly to Greg Hinkle, who amazes me with his combinationof therapeutic skill and managerial competence.

Researchers conducted an experiment. They’d take an ordinary ball in which one half was painted, say, red, and the other half was painted green. The researcher — a woman, let’s say, would show a child – a boy, let’s say – both sides of the ball. Then she’d place the ball between them, and turn the ball so that the boy could see only the red side. She’d ask, "What color do you see?"

"Red," says the boy.

Then she’d ask, "What color do I see?"

Up to a certain age, the boy always says, "Red." The boy’s mind isn’t developed enough yet to be able to do what adults do naturally: to imagine looking at the ball from the researcher’s point of view, and imagine seeing what the researcher would see from where the researcher is sitting. The boy’s mind can only imagine things from his own perspective. If he sees red, he can only imagine the researcher seeing red too.

That inability to imagine other perspectives (points of view other than one’s own) is called egocentrism.

Another example: a little girl gets a phone call from her father, who asks if Mommy is home. The girl nods. Father, hearing no response, asks again, and again she nods. She isn’t aware that he is unable to see her nodding. She can only take her own perspective – "I am nodding. Why do you keep asking?"

While egocentrism is obvious and appropriate in little children, it is present in older children, teenagers, and adults in less obvious and more inappropriate ways. Much of the trouble in human relationships involves some element of egocentrism – and therefore much of the work of the Samaritan Center involves untangling the egocentrism in relationships.

We face an enormous challenge: helping people move beyond egocentric love. This love says: "I love you, but on my terms and from my perspective. It’s not that I disagree with your terms and your perspective, it’s that they are unimaginable to me. When you talk to. I’m not really listening – not out of rudeness, but because the ball is red, and that’s all there is to it."

"In fact, in my egocentric love, your efforts to tell me about your side of the ball are threatening, because for me there can be only one perspective. So I’d be terrified to actually listen to you, because if I let myself believe the ball could be green, that would mean my red 'reality’ would cease to exist." (In sharp contrast, some people – abuse victims, for instance – may get so locked into the other person’s viewpoint they can’t see their own anymore. But that’s another article.)

I think of couple therapy. Almost always couples starting therapy complain of communication problems. Often one spouse is egocentrically stuck: "You have to see it my way!" The other spouse may be desperately trying to communicate a different perspective, but for the egocentric spouse that perspective is unimaginable. No matter what the other spouse says about the green side of the ball, for the egocentric spouse, the ball is red end-of-story-period.

In fact, just about any time you come to an impasse in a relationship, there’s a red-ball-greenball element. Husband-wife, parent-child, boss-employee, whatever. I hesitate to think how much time and energy goes into pointless arguments where one partner can only see one side.

Of course, for a truly pointless argument, get two egocentric people together.

So what’s to be done?

Recognition is a good place to start. Is your partner (or parent, or employee) understanding but disagreeing with your point of view, or is your partner simply unable to get past his/her own point of view? This question is trickier than it sounds, because many egocentric people believe something like this: “If you really understood my point of view, you’d have no choice but to agree with it!” For them, if you disagree, it’s because you don’t understand!

A related question – and closer to home – is: can I really get outside my own point of view to understand my partner’s? Can I understand what my partner feels, why it’s so important to my partner, why my point of view just doesn’t work for my partner?

It’s a great sign when partners get curious about each other’s point of view. “No kidding? You think that’s what’s going on? Help me see what you’re talking about.” There’s often a lot of work to do, but at least it is now about loving a partner with an imaginable point of view.

I write this in January, which seems to provide an interlude between two celebrations of love. In December, Christmas brings the hope of love, a giving love that reaches out to us. By now, though, the Christmas boxes are put away in the attic. The stores already are advertising Valentine’s Day, another kind of love celebration: romantic, willyou- be-mine love. What a good time to reflect on the place of love in our lives!

Many couples go through the customary Valentine motions, yet with an emptiness, a sadness in their eyes. Sometimes one or both partners will talk of a restlessness: "Something is not right." "We are no longer connected." "Were we ever?"

Sometimes both or one will begin therapy, like a couple I’ll call Tim and Mary. Tim and Mary began with questions: "How can we make this work?" "What is missing?" "Is he/she having an affair?" "Why don’t we ever talk?" They try to express their unhappiness with each other, but like many couples, they fall into the blame game: "He’s a workaholic." "She’s too busy w/the children and her activities." "He/she doesn’t know me anymore." Each partner often begins the therapy process with an agenda: "S/he needs to understand me!" or "S/he needs to change!" Over months and years of frustration, the giving love gets lost, and the romantic love feels empty.

Often the real underlying questions are: Am I loved? Can I love? What happened to the dream of love? Tim and Mary are going through the motions. They argue about trivial things which separate them all the more, increasing their fear of being alone and unloved. So how do Tim and Mary move from separateness to connectedness?

Just as often vulnerability is key. It takes courage to risk vulnerability. Most difficult of all is to start with this question: "Am I able to love myself or am I looking for my partner to somehow make up for that missing love?" In order to fully connect with one’s partner, one needs first to know oneself, accept oneself, love oneself.

There are no quick cures. Being a couple together is a journey of mutual growth. When one partner stops growing in the relationship, the other is forced to stop as well. And so Tim and Mary begin the counseling process by turning their questions about their partner inward toward themselves. Instead of "Why can’t he/she…?" they ask themselves, "What is it about me that he/she responds that way? How can I change?"

As Tim and Mary discover more about them- changes from bitterness to compassion, they become gentler with each other, and the giving love returns. As they practice better communication, they each begin to feel the return of romantic love. There are setbacks. One week Mary says in tears, "Just when I thought we had made progress, one step forward, this week we took three steps backward!"

This journey of loving is not without obstacles, but Tim and Mary made a commitment to finding their answers. They still admit they do not know the final outcome of their journey, but each agrees they have already become "better people," more able to combine Christmas love and Valentine’s love in their relationship.

Braden McCormick is General Manager at United Shade, LLC and brother-in-law to Board president Paul Romanetz. Braden is a member of the First Presbyterian Church and Elcona Country Club. He seeks involvement with a church-based group that helps the people in the community. He lives in Bristol with his wife and daughter.

Suzanne Wyatt is semi-retired. Her main "job" is spoiling her grandchildren. She is a member of the First Presbyterian Church and has been part of the Session and Board of Trustees, serving as President twice. She has also served on the board of the Elkhart Symphony Association. Suzanne is looking forward to promoting the services of the Samaritan Center and helping with fund raising. In her free time she enjoys gardening and golf

2007 Board of Directors

Samaritan Center Staff

Our gratitude to
2006 Board members
who have completed
their terms:

People sometimes remark that teenagers are difficult to love. I disagree. I enjoy working with adolescents. They are trying to figure out who they are, where they fit, and how to become independent of their parents. Those efforts sometimes create conflict, and sometimes the role an adolescent "tries on" isn’t what we might hope for. But adolescents aren’t unlovable. In fact, they need love, especially unconditional love. This does not mean you approve of everything they do. It means that you still love and accept them even when you don’t like or approve of their behaviors. It’s a paradox: the more a parent tries to mold the teenager to be who the parent wants them to be, the harder the teen has to work at going in the opposite direction. That kind of parental response – conditional, approval- based love – may send unfortunate messages to the adolescent: "I don’t love you, I love the person you’ll become if you do what I say." Worse: "You are unlovable."

The complaint I hear the most from teenagers is: "My parents don’t listen to me." Sometimes they confuse not getting their way with not listening, but usually they can tell the difference. As parents we think we know what is best and sometimes we don’t take the time to listen to their reasoning. It is important to listen, to give the message that we care about what the adolescent thinks, that we want to know what is going on in the teen’s life. Adolescents don’t have much life experience yet, so it is by talking through ideas that they process and develop their own beliefs. I would rather they be talking about their ideas with me than with some of their peers.

A butterfly emerging from its cocoon can teach us something about parenting teens if we look at it carefully. Our parental love is like the cocoon which once protected our growing children totally. When the butterfly begins to struggle with the cocoon, the cocoon needs to yield, but yield slowly. If the cocoon completely refuses to yield, the butterfly will die a prisoner inside it. If the cocoon yields quickly, the butterfly will also die: the struggle against the cocoon is how the butterfly gains essential strength and stamina. If the cocoon just lets go, the butterfly will be too weak to fly, and too vulnerable to survive.

Loving your adolescent means fighting the temptation to keep the teen "in the cocoon" too long, thereby stifling growth. It also means fighting off the temptation to yield too quickly, to push the teen out before the teen is "ready to fly," that is, ready to be self-reliant. Another temptation combines the first two: expecting a teen to become a "substitute parent" or "adult

It is a rare day in my professional work that I do not encounter one or more sentiments from a client laying out some way or ways in which that person or couple expresses self-negativity. It has many sizes and shapes; negative self-esteem, selfworth, self-loathing, self-hatred, self-rejection... it is a long list. And rarely are there descriptions offered frivolously or just to shock. They come from deep within a person's core being and they are the fuel that runs the personality.

One of the most devastating negatives, from where I sit, is the belief that "I am useless!" We live in a society and culture that highly prizes "usefulness." "Don't just stand there, do something!" As I travel with people on their way to discovering and then putting to use their talent, skill, and gifts, it is always a singularly rewarding. moment when they look at themselves and say to me some version of "I am worth a lot and I am now going to put what I have to use." This is not simply a matter of going from seeing the glass half empty to seeing it half full. It is rather, as Dr. Mike Magee in his Book Of Choices, says:

"Everyone's work matters. Everyone's job is worth doing well. Each person's effort is as unique as each vision of the world, each touch, each thought, each deed. Each individual matters - from the first day of life to the last." ( Book of Choices , M. Magee, pg. 40).

I am fortunate that almost daily I am reminded of the value of feeling and being useful and energized. I would encourage you to take some time every week to re-examine your self and when needed push through the negative self and give yourself a chance at life.

The Cherokee Indians called the month of February "hunger moon." They believed that if you could survive the cold, barren days of February, the rest of the year was a piece of cake. But February was a lean time—a time of just hanging on.

Who of us hasn’t had those times when we’re just hanging on, hoping to make it to a more nurturing time or place? Sometimes those lean periods come as a result of illness, the loss of a relationship, or some other major life change. Other times they seem to come out of nowhere and we feel like we’re just going through the motions of life. Each day is just like the one before and we have trouble feeling inspired or interested or engaged. Even if we can find our way to God at such times, we seldom find a magical turnaround. For like February, periods of "hunger moon" are part of the cycle of life. Inevitably, they come to us all.

Many people come to the Samaritan Center during the Februarys of their lives. Sometimes we can teach them survival skills, offer hope that better days will come, or just help them hang on. Ideally, we can help them discover places of transformation.

The Cherokees also believed that a Great Spirit brooded over the lives of humans. And in the Judeo-Christian tradition, we too speak of a God who hovers and broods over us. The opening words of Genesis tell us that "The earth was a vast waste, darkness covered the deep, and the spirit of God hovered over the surface of the water." And then—out of the darkness and the void—God creates.

In my work with clients, I may, or may not use religious language, depending on the individual’s lead. But what I hope to convey to people who come to me in times of "hunger moon" is my conviction that in our own experiences of darkness and void, God is creating—using the lean, fallow times for some purpose. When they feel most despairing and empty, I hope to help people discover that in the difficult times of "hunger

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Dometic Underwrites 2006 Annual Report

The Samaritan Center is delighted to announce that the Dometic Corporation is once again underwriting the creation and distribution of the printed version of the Pilgrimage.

The Silent Samaritan Fund

Gifts to the Kintner-Ross
Endowment Fund

Mr. & Mrs. Malcolm Bradshaw
Mr. & Mrs. Glenn McCreary
Lauren Dee Davis
Langhan Dee
Dr. & Mrs. G.B. Gattman
Barb & Bob Hodgson
Mr. & Mrs. David Keim
Mr. & Mrs. Michael Kintner
Yi Kintner
Bryd Legrone
Lindon Investments
Mr. & Mrs. Brian Lord
Eddy Lord
Mr. Frank Lord
Mr. & Mrs. Gordon MacKenzie
Tom & Dana Pletcher
Mr. & Mrs. Robert Richardson
Ms. Julia Robinson
Mr. Miles Robinson
Ms. Molly Robinson
Rev. & Mrs. R.J. Ross
Ms. Madeline Stein
Taylor Stein
Mr. Jeremy Stein
Mr. & Mrs. Jonathan Stein
Anne & Dick Treckelo
Roland & Sara Kintner Van Lue
Vivian & Charles Vetter
Arthur & Suzanne Wyatt
Mr. & Mrs. Roland Young