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Healing • Hope • Growth |
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Samaritan Health & Living Center |
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January 2010 |
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Lessons I’m Learning 3:38 AM. I stared bleary eyed at the text, “Mom’s gone.” Through tears I glanced down at my 2-month-old daughter on the changing table. The words on her homemade Onesie pierced my heart: “Grammy loves you”. I wondered if she would ever know how much. Two weeks before Christmas, my mother-in-law died. She would celebrate Jesus’ birthday in Heaven this year, we told our 4-year-old son. “Grammy died; Papa sad” repeated our 20-month-old daughter. How much of what she said did she understand, I wondered, angry that my children had not had more time with their grandmother. I wanted more time. Consistent with the way she lived her life, my mother-in-law continues to teach me many lessons. As my family and I have muddled our way through this experience, I thought I would share some of my reflections: #1: We all grieve differently. The experience of grief is as unique as the individual. Rather than compare and question another’s reaction to grief, let it be what it is: an attempt to make sense of and maneuver one’s way through uncomfortable, scary and awkward feelings. #2: Grieving takes time. Weary from experiencing countless “waves” of sadness over the course of several days my husband remarked, “I wish I could just grieve all at once and be done” (a familiar wish for anyone who has lost a loved one). The waves of emotion can and will hit at unpredictable times. Ride the “waves.” #3: When your loved one played several roles in one’s life, the loss will be felt in many arenas. Friend, grandmother to my children, spiritual mentor, counselor, prayer warrior….these are just a few of the roles my mother-in-law played in my life. When a person touches several areas of one’s life, their absence leaves a great void. Honor the loved one’s legacy in life’s arenas. Life’s lessons are sometimes painful. A lesson I will take with me from this experience is to make the most of every opportunity...say “I love you” often, take time to spend with loved ones, and make memories. Life truly is precious.
- Alison Andrews, MA January 2010 |
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Willpower Alone Is Not Enough
I found this less than scientific, but humorous, symptom list about addiction and alcoholism entitled “You Might Be an Alcoholic If...” from Buddy T’s newsletter, “Your Guide to Alcoholism & Substance Abuse.” He actually had 20 items; I’ve reduced it to nine.
Here goes: You might be an alcoholic if…
• You have awakened with an overwhelming feeling that you should go back and apologize...but you don't remember where.
• The Tipsy Taxi service has banned you from all its vehicles.
• People consider your spouse a saint for reasons that totally escape you.
• The last time you had a legal driver's license, so did Mae West.
• You bought your current pick-up truck because it has a cool place to hide a six pack.
• You think the nutritional information on the back of a beer can is proof that you should be able to buy it with food stamps.
• You know for certain that putting your foot on the floor does not stop the room from spinning.
• Your insurance agent drops by and mentions your policy does cover treatment centers.
• And finally, two words: Commode Huggin'.
All kidding aside, having an abuse or dependency problem with alcohol and other drugs (AOD), is a serious matter. People might say, “Just use your willpower to overcome your problem.” Popular stereotyping and portrayals of addicts can lead to the assumption that it’s this easy. Having been a counselor for many years, I've come to find that any addiction counseling I do is the most difficult because relapse is often inevitable. If people could only use their willpower to stop, believe me, my job would be a whole lot easier. Two conditions make the effort difficult; one is physiological and the other psychological.
First, the physiological impact of alcohol and other drug use on the brain: Scientific studies over the last decade especially have concluded that brain chemistry is actually altered during a profound and prolonged use of alcohol and drugs. Suffice it to say, the production of important chemicals by the brain can be significantly altered when alcohol and other drugs (AOD) are introduced. Drugs change the brain’s production and use of important chemicals that help us to think and act. When a person stops using AOD the brain often responds negatively and sometimes severely, creating seizures, headaches and sustained cravings which encourages the user to bring back the drugs! The immediate acute phase of withdrawal lasts 3-5 days, but it could take more than a year for the brain to return to its pre-AOD functioning level. This physiological effect is very powerful and can lead to immediate relapse. Then impact on the brain can be so severe, that a chemically dependent individual is considered to have a type of brain disease. In many cases, pharmacological intervention may be required in order to help the brain recover.
The other matter is psychological. Literature on the subject estimates that from 65% to 80% of all people dealing with AOD can also be diagnosed as having Depression, Anxiety, Attention Deficit Disorder, and even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In other words, a chemical addiction may be systemic of these disorders. The use of alcohol and other drugs actually exacerbates these concerns, and any perceived relief is short lived.
In the addictions field this is called dual diagnosis. A user might then be diagnosed for addiction, and quite possibly depression or another mental difficulty. It is critical to understand and consider the accompanying psychological issues if treatment has any chance of being successful. Cessation of drug use will generally bring a flood feelings forward associated with the psychological issues mentioned. This makes it difficult to progress. Recognizing and dealing with the psychological issues can be critical in successful treatment.
Addiction experts are recognizing this to a greater extent and a number of certifying bodies now offer licensure to those trained in treatment. I have for years promoted such a concern and process. So, when the certification was offered recently, I applied for and received certification of dual diagnosis therapist on the Diplomate level. At the Samaritan Center we are more than capable of helping people this way. I look forward to serving in a capacity that reviews and treats the totality of concerns, in order to create the greatest possibility for hope and healing.
- Joseph R. Baunoch, Psy.D, D.Min. January 2010 |
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A Year of Darkness, an Evening of Dance
A few years ago, I wrote an article proposing that December 22nd be named "Psychotherapy Day." It seemed fitting because that day has two qualities: it is the darkest day of the year (and people often enter psychotherapy at times of deep personal darkness); it is also a turning point, the time at which days stop getting shorter, and start getting longer. For many people, the entry into psychotherapy represents a similar turning point: a dark, downward spiral is transformed into an upward climb toward healing, hope, and growth.
I write this in mid-January. Though the days continue to lengthen, the cold -- and the lake-effect snow -- are as yet unimpressed. It will take several weeks of increasing light -- and the warmth the light brings -- to transform the season. Change during psychotherapy often has a parallel trajectory: insight arrives first, but it takes time for an individual to integrate that insight into changed thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and relationships.
In both cases, we find good news and bad news. The bad news is that change often takes longer than we want it to take. It's hard to be patient, to hang in there, whether one is waiting for spring’s warmth or psychotherapy’s renewal. The good news is that the change will happen in time. We can be confident in it, count on it, and plan for it. Change in psychotherapy doesn't come with the same ironclad guarantee that spring provides, but with hard work, trust, and grace, good results abound.
I'd like to think that the Elkhart County economy has also seen its December 22nd, and is now on its own way to renewal -- at least well into January, perhaps even quite close to spring. This past year saw much stress and suffering, much loss and grief, and the insidious effects of chronic anxiety and demoralization. During those dark times, the Samaritan Center was one of many agencies who faced the double dilemma of increased community need and decreased community resources. For us, the first part of this dilemma showed itself in a sharp increase in the number of people seeking counseling, paired with a parallel increase in the amount of fee assistance these people needed. The second part of this dilemma showed itself in a decrease in contributions in response to our annual fund drive.
In times of crisis, though, heroes often step to the fore. In 2009, my heroes are the Samaritan Center's Board of Directors. Like so many not-for-profit agencies in Elkhart County, our Center’s financial health was slapped by the double dilemma mentioned above. The Board could have fallen prey to the anxiety and demoralization all around us; they could have thrown up their hands and said, "Look at this economy! Sorry, there is nothing we can do," and waited to see if things got better before our reserves ran out.
Instead, they did something daring, brilliant -- and fun! At a time when the community was desperate for a lift, the Board put on a show: "Elkhart’s Still Dancing!" This event was a gift all around: the community's generous support (especially from our corporate sponsors) made "Dancing" our most successful fundraiser ever; the Board's careful planning and exhaustive preparations brought to life an evening of such delight that participants were surprised by how great a time they had. It was as though things had been so hard for so long that we had forgotten how to celebrate, and "Dancing" released a pent-up joy we didn't know we could still feel.
If our directors are my heroes, then the community as a whole is next in line for praise. Everyone lost last year, some more, some less, and yet -- to everyone's surprise -- the community's overall financial support for the Samaritan Center's mission made last year one of our best ever. What I think this means -- what I want it to mean -- is that our Board and our community both feel a commitment to the people who come to us on their own personal December 22nds, and want these people to have the opportunity to work their way toward the warmth and light of Spring.
- Gregory A. Hinkle, Ph.D., Executive Director January 2010 |
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Attitude is (almost) Everything
How we look at life makes a big difference in how our lives go. Is the glass half full or half empty? Two people can be in the exact same situation and report completely different experiences. It is generally accepted that persons with a positive outlook on life heal faster and live longer. People who expect things to go wrong usually do seem to have more gone wrong.
In life and in relationships, it is easy to focus on faults/annoyances. We can forget why we fell in love with our partner in the first place. As a parent we can be short-tempered and impatient with our children who may be doing what they developmentally are supposed to be doing or just want our attention. As a result, we could miss out on the wonderment of childhood. Children tend to live up to our expectations – positive and/or negative. At work we might look at all there is to do and become overwhelmed and unproductive. There has been a great deal of talk about the sad state of our economy and the unemployment rate, but little has been said about the quality time with loved ones which becomes available.
I don’t believe that attitude overcomes all hardships. I know wonderfully positive people who have died from cancer. Responsible people have lost their homes, and relationships have failed in spite of efforts to make them work. Pretending everything is rosy and burying our head in the sand isn’t a healthy response to stress either. Bad things do happen to good people. Keeping things in perspective, making the best of what we have and relying on resources can help us get through.
Depression is an exception. I have often heard people say they don’t know why they are depressed when they have so much to be thankful for. Others are stressed because their loved ones think they should just “snap out of it.” Depression can be situational but it is also a chemical problem in our brains that we can’t “smile away.” When one can no longer find pleasure in the things they used to enjoy and is overwhelmed with sadness for an extended period of time, it may be time to seek help from your doctor and therapist.
Enjoying the moment - looking for the good in people and situations - can make a significant difference in our lives, in how we feel about ourselves and others. I wish for all of you a new year filled with happiness and a positive attitude towards life.
- Joyce Menchinger, MSW, LCSW January 2010 |
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Beeps, Buzzers and Bells
How do you wake up in the morning? Naturally – without an alarm? How many times a day are you summoned to your cell phone for either a text or call? Can you sit through lunch or dinner without looking at your phone? Do you smile at strangers when you are out in the community or do you stuff your ear canals with plastic and listen to music instead? Just how accessible are you? Have you ever asked yourself why? Is it necessary to your daily survival to be “wired?”
I realized how different our lives are now than when I was a kid the other night when my daughter had two friends over and 3 of the 4 of us were on laptops. One was “Skyping,” one was singing to a music video on Youtube and I was on Facebook. After awhile, one was playing on-line poker; another was playing on-line Yo-ville. There wasn’t even a consideration of getting a real deck of cards out and playing with one together.
I am struck by the number of times each day I am interrupted by beeps, buzzers and bells. I noticed that my heart gets a kick start every time my cell phone rings. That happens when the text alert sounds as well. I begin my day with an annoying voice on my alarm clock that also sends me into a state of short-lived fear. I suppose I should go to bed earlier so I can wake up naturally but that never seems possible.
Nearly every client I have complains of stress - everything from headaches and stomachaches to panic attacks and psoriasis. Most of the time stress is understandable but I wonder how much stress we add when we are totally accessible to anyone, anywhere, anytime?
I have had friends get miffed with me because I did not return a text. People expect you to return their emails the same day. God forbid you should miss an event because the only invitation you got was via email and you were too busy to check it. Don’t get me wrong, I love “Facebooking” and emailing but I’m not addicted to it. I resent having to keep my cell phone on for anything and I resent having to check my voice mail 10 times a day.
When it’s time to rest and be with my family, it’s time to turn check out of “cyber-land” and check into the here and now. Next time your cell phone vibrates or rings, pay attention to your heart rate. Challenge yourself not to even look at the caller Id to see who’s calling. I am a firm believer in only watching the TV news about once a week. I buy a paper about that often too. I realized that I don’t need to know how many shootings there were last night or what the financial forecast is for the next quarter. Most of the time, the things we hear on the radio or TV news only serve to frighten us and make us worry more. My heart is happier and there is less adrenalin running through my veins when I shut off the phone and skip the news.
Hmm, maybe I should go start some laundry - - nah, I think I’ll check my 3 email accounts first.
- Karen Maes, MSW January 2010 |
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Commencement: Moving in the Direction of Life Values
We waited in our seats at Elliot Hall on the campus of Purdue University in West Lafayette, as our son (the soon-to-be graduate, winter 2009) waited with his peers in an adjoining building – attired in cap and gown, securely placed in alphabetical order. Each family, each graduate, was keenly aware of the sacrifice, the commitment, the hours of study, the moments of defeat, the reward for diligence. The words were inspiring – find your passion, move forth, create your place, make your contribution. As a therapist and family counselor, I find this “moving forth” to be a timely metaphor as we begin a new year - poetic and lovely on paper, but quite difficult to do when we are mired in chronic unhappiness, fear, resentment. We are encumbered, exhausted, uninspired. As for creating meaning in life? Too tired and overcome with self-doubt. We’ve tried everything. Nothing works.
Years ago, I butted heads with a colleague about the following statement: All suffering is self-created. What about the devastation of hurricane Katrina? September 11? Disease, poverty, not to mention other unrelenting horrors? What I came to understand is the difference between that kind of pain – true, clean, brutal, and what is meant by the suffering we create when we lament over past events and/or worry about what the future will bring (otherwise known as depression and anxiety). My friend, a child psychologist, refers to this as the “land of what was” and the “land of what if”. It strikes me that while we often know what it would take to get ourselves up and moving out of our difficulties, we live as if we don’t know. A therapist and former Trappist monk calls this very human state “enlightened ignorance.” Other writers might refer to it as “living unconsciously” or not being “fully awake”. We lose sight of what we value, of what has meaning. It’s one thing to say, “Stay in the moment and then take an action” and quite another to actually do it! It requires some willingness to sit with our thoughts and feelings - even though painful and unpleasant – not as one who suffers and avoids but as one who observes. Any client worth his or her salt will ask, “Why on earth would I be willing to do THAT? I’m working really hard to STOP thinking and feeling! The land of what IS? Are you KIDDING me?”
Thoughts * Feelings * Awareness * Values * Action. So what you ask? It is from precisely this point of observation that we can remember what we value. From this moment of awareness, we can act in accordance with what we value. We are less paralyzed by inaction. We can rediscover a spark. We can commence.
As thinking beings, we will naturally reflect on our past and of course, make plans for the future. While we may be inclined to dwell (suffer), we now have an opportunity to act. The instant we are aware of our thoughts and feelings, we become less fused with them. As observers, we may realize that we are more than our thoughts and feelings. Zen teachers talk about the horizontal dimension (the mundane aspects of life that require attention) as well as the vertical dimension (spirituality, what is meaningful). Retreat centers may use the sound of bells throughout the day as a call to stop, reflect, let go. Centering prayer, quiet breathing, saying the rosary, all means of stopping and raising awareness of the present moment.
Courage is defined as going forward in spite of fear. Making the decision to move toward what we value creates meaning. Having compassion when we veer off course is a grace that allows us to re-focus and begin again. Graduation day, step by step, moment by moment.
- Lisa Sexton, LMHC (Recommended reading: The Power of Now (1999) by Eckhart Tolle. January 2010 |
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